Then God started working in my heart. Is this really what life is all about? Is this really how I should be living? Is status quo really what I should be striving for? I fought God on this and tried to keep all of the things that I had in place. I was comfortable, why change. But God kept working. And working. And working. Ryan and I took a hard serious look at our lives and decided that we weren't living the way we should. Our priorities were not what they were supposed to be. So over the last year plus some, we have been rearranging our lives to be that of what they should be for God. This has been an incredible experience.
I see God working in us every day. We have made the obvious changes first (house, activities, etc). Then we moved on to the bigger things (adopting :) and using our resources to help others. Making these changes, both big and small, have been so rewarding to me. I see God on a daily basis in my life. I take more time to be with Him. I make Him a priority. I pray more. I thought that this would all be enough. However, I have an aching in my heart still. I sit here and think is what I am doing enough because it doesn't feel like it.
I attend PLACE at my church this weekend. It was a conference to see where my PLACE is within His ministry determined by my personality, spiritual gifts, abilities, etc. I am so grateful to now know these things about myself. BUT, now I am in more turmoil as to what I am supposed to do with my life. I have all sorts of thoughts and ideas in my head to where my life will lead next. I want to do more, I desire to do more, I need to do more.
This week in our chapter of "Crazy Love", chapter 6 is opened with a paragraph from "The Pursuit of God" by AW Tozer. The first few lines of this paragraph sum up the battle that is going on in my heart and head.
" O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace."
I know that the time will come when God will let me in on His plan for me and my family. I can't wait to see what is in store next. And since I am a planner, I would prefer to know asap! The anticipation is killing me!