Wednesday, October 20, 2010


As I look back on the last few years of my life, there are so many things that have happened or are happening that I never expected. Ryan and I are making life decisions that we would have never dreamed of just a few years ago. Both personally and professionally, our lives just keep changing. I attribute it to giving our lives over to God. May be cliche but I know it is the truth. God has been working on us for quite some time and He has us on quite the ride right now.

We are within 2 weeks of knowing which path our life might take. Either path is fine with us because we know that it is God's will. Through the year and a half, Ryan and I's prayer has been that God's will be done. We know that it will be.

There is pressure on us. Every morning when we wake up it is there. We are covered in it all day. It is there when we lay our heads down on our pillows at night. Ryan, I know, has a heavier feeling than I do. As Grace would say "it's heaby."

There is a plan for all of this craziness. There is a plan for our lives and for where we will serve. And even with all of the "heaby" pressure, I am so glad that we chose to follow Him.

Friday, October 15, 2010


The past few days Grace has been sick. This is the first time she has been sick since we brought her home. It has been a difficult thing as Ryan and I just aren't sure what to do.

When you have a baby, you know everything about that child. You know what every sound, cry, look and snort mean. That baby then grows up and you are in tune with the child because of the history. You know that child better than you know yourself. Grace was 2 1/2 years old when we got her. 2 1/2 years of not knowing her and not knowing her sounds, cries, looks, needs. It is a different place to be.

The other night she was laying in between us, she would make a noise and Ryan and I would look at each other and just wait to see what would happen next. We just weren't sure. It was a funny feeling as a parent. I felt almost not prepared for what could happen.

To throw another kink in the maternal plan, Grace prefers Ryan. This has been since day 1. She and I have a good thing going but when push comes to shove she will pick Ryan over me any day. This happens to also be true when she is not feeling good. She clung to him so tightly and even did some of her self soothing techniques that we witnessed when we first got her. It has kinda felt like we were back to December/January these last few days.

I will report that she just has a virus. She is on the mend and is even signing "Happy Birthday" again which happens to be her favorite song. She's going to make it through just fine I think.

I have learned some things these last few days. I have learned some of her cries, looks and preferences. I will tuck those away in my back pocket. For now, Ryan has them front and center!

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time. I wish that I could go back in time and redo things or undo things or not do things at all. Sometimes I would like to go back in time and relive a season and feel again how it felt. Knowing what I know today, I would go back and sit in contentment and bask in the feelings of the moment.

Too many times I hurry. I hurry up and check things off the list. I hurry up and make decisions. I am very happy with my life but wish that I would learn to be more still and be okay with waiting for the next thing. I am not a very patient person.

But I need to become more patient and content and still...

Saturday, October 2, 2010

I have them

I have flashbacks. I have flashbacks of the orphanage. The dark rooms, the children chanting "Elina, Elina" when we brought her back from our first day with her. I have flashbacks of the children climbing the window grates as we left. They, the flashbacks, come unpredictably.

I wonder if she has them, flashbacks.
As she lays in her pink room under her green polka dot sheets wearing her strawberry shortcake nightgown, does she have them? Does she dream about the place she first knew as home? I have asked her if she does. I don't think she understands my questions. The language barrier will be the preventer of our discussions when her memories would be more crisp. I pray that subconsciously she remembers. Not to make her sad or to give her a complex but just so that she would know her story.

My father died when I was 13 months old. I don't have any memories of him. I did have a dream the other night where we were riding in a car. I was trying to hear him talk but couldn't. I just kept thinking "I want to hear his voice, to know what he sounded like. I want to remember it." That is part of my story, being fatherless for most of my life.

Our stories make us who we are. Whether we remember it our not, whether we have glimpses into our past. Our stories are what God has designed for us.