Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Butterflies

Tonight while talking to Kaylee, I began to get nervous. My heart began to beat a bit faster and my breathing is more apparent. Last night, this feeling was a bit more distant and not as real.

Ryan and I are attending the required dhs training for our adoption. All of the classes so far have been over pretty basic stuff, at least to us. When adopting Grace, we had to do a lot of reading, a lot of training online, and my master's degree just happens to be in this same field (family relations and child development). So we haven't necessarily learned a ton. That being said, last night was different.

The topic for the evening was siblings and the importance of keeping them together when possible (both for fostering and adoptive families). Our teachers did some reading out of our workbook and we watched a video. The video followed 3 families that had siblings placed together and some that the siblings where adopted to different homes. There were the smart researcher guys, who talked of the affect the separation has on siblings and how their lives are forever changed in good ways and bad simply in the placement of the siblings, either together or apart. During the video, I looked at Ryan and joked "we could get more than 1." His eyes widened and he threw his head back. It was a funny thought. Not a realistic one though.

When talking to my eldest, I told her what we learned in our class and the importance of sibling placement. I asked her "what if our child has a sibling? what would we do?" Without any hesitation, she described a perfectly doable room situation. She also said "I would love another sister."

I put her to bed and then the butterflies and anxiety overtook my body and mind. Oh my. What if God has 2 kids for us. What if a boy who is a perfect match for us has a older/younger brother or sister? What would we do?

I have never envisioned myself as the mother of 5 children. To be honest, I never saw myself with more than 2 but you are watching how that is turning out.

We felt called to adopt. I knew from the bottom of my soul that God had a child out there for us. I knew that our family was to grow and we followed His lead. We felt that call again and are on the road to add #4 to our family. But what if there is a #5.

I am nervous. I am scared. I am praying.

I know that our home is big enough. I know that the resources will come. I know that my heart has enough love. I don't know whether it will be 1 or 2. Only He does.

3 comments:

Kara said...

I too never imagined I would be the mother of 5! But the last 6 months has been an awesome lesson of trusting God and leaning on his grace and strength! I will pray for you while you wait to learn what God has in store!

Jenn B. said...

Oh Ash....Chills up and down! Turning it over to Him is the only thng that you can do! I can't wait to see the Smith family portrait next year...whether there are 6 smiling faces or 7 smiling faces...it will be just what your family was made to be! And believe me, if someone would have told me 10 years ago that I might have 5 kids, I would have laughed until I couldn't laugh anymore. I love where obedience takes us! :)

Laura E. said...

Ashley - it will be what God has planned and it will be perfect! So excited for your adventure - and I love reading about your journey!! If i had been told that I would be a stay-at-home mom to 4 children 14 years ago I too would have laughed. It is crazy how we can all laugh together as God's plan unfolds!